"Prescription Drinking" Creates Controversy in Wesleyan Church

Over the last several years, there have been numerous studies conducted, revealing that consuming a moderate amount of wine–especially the red variety–is actually beneficial to one’s health and can increase life expectancy.

However, this news has also caused a crisis amongst Wesleyans. From its earliest days preceding the Civil War, Wesleyans have historically prohibited the consumption of alcohol by its members. Per the membership requirements outlined in the Wesleyan Church’s Discipline, members are to “demonstrate a positive social witness by abstaining from...alcoholic beverages” (265.4). Rev. Harold Bunting, a leading District Superintendent in the denomination, describes the problem:

“Basically, it comes down to a conflict of interests. Science tells us that drinking wine in moderation will help us live longer. But the Bible tells us not to drink at all. It’s just like with evolution: you can believe what science says and ignore the Bible, but that’s a sure one-way ticket to hell.”

Nonetheless, some ambitious Wesleyans have recently discovered a way to bypass the membership requirements of abstinence from alcoholic beverages while still maintaining their membership commitments. Currently, a loop-hole exists in the Discipline, allowing for the use of drugs for “proper medical purposes” (265.4). As the logic follows, because such a proliferation of scientific research has been done proving the use of wine for health benefits, medical doctors are now permitted to write prescriptions for the moderate use of wine.

One doctor, Steven Goldfarb, M.D., has seen a significant increase in business over the last year. He spoke enthusiastically of the Discipline loophole:

“About a year ago, I was approached by a Wesleyan who informed me of the loophole. After I wrote her a prescription, she told her friends who told their friends and, well, let me just say that I won’t be vacationing in Iowa again this year.”

Goldfarb’s business has grown so much, that he has expanded his services to take advantage of the Internet.

“The new online prescription service allows Wesleyans from all over the country–heck, even the world–to get a prescription for the moderate use of wine. The added benefit is that they are able to maintain their privacy and don’t have to worry about nosy pastors following them around, trying to catch them in the act.”

An added benefit of the prescription for wine is that members of the Wesleyan Church are literally immune from membership discipline. As it falls under the criterion of “proper medical purposes,” the use of wine with a doctor’s prescription is perfectly within the Wesleyan Church’s membership rules of conduct.

One local pastor, who wished to remain anonymous, is attempting to get a group prescription for his congregation.

“Dr. Goldfarb and I are currently researching the possibility of getting a ‘blanket’ prescription for my congregation. We want to be able to celebrate communion using real wine, just like Jesus and his disciples did. Most people don’t realize that Jesus could have used plain old grape juice, but instead chose the good stuff. Obviously, he did it because he knew the health benefits. Today, science is finally helping us to realize something that Jesus took for granted. There aren’t many areas where we can bridge the ancient and modern contexts like this. Jesus himself told his disciples to “drink it all.” That’s a command we can’t ignore. All I can say is, ‘Bottoms Up!’”

Nonetheless, this exploitation of the Discipline loophole has Wesleyan leadership scrambling to reclaim moral control over the membership. To try and “close” the loophole, an emergency General Conference has been called where the issue of ‘prescription drinking’ will be brought to the fore. Harold Bunting, again:

“This whole issue is out of control. It is eroding our denomination’s uncompromising stand against every appearance of evil. Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Noir, Sangiovese–these are all synonyms for SIN. Have you ever heard of ‘Gewürztraminer?’ I’m pretty sure that means ‘Anti-Christ’ in German. When it comes down to it, this ‘prescription for drinking’ is really nothing more than a ‘license to sin.’ The Wesleyan Church does not care what modern science says about the supposed health benefits of alcohol. All we know is that the Bible says ‘no,’ and that’s that. And even if there are health benefits to drinking wine, our stance is the same. Holiness is not about being healthy–it’s about following the rules. There’s gonna be a lot of “healthy” people in hell. No amount of chilled, white Zinfandel will stifle that heat...”

(Thanks to JW for the inspiration!)